We Need to Talk About Your Baby’s Cocaine Problem

Now, far be it from me to judge how your baby gets its rocks off. We were all once infants, eager to explore the world around us; sticking god-knows-what up god-knows-where all in the spirit of harmless adventure. But as a parent, you’ve gotta draw the line somewhere — and that line should preferably be in your baby’s stash of cocaine. A recent study of over 100 changing tables in shopping malls, hospitals, courts, police stations and even churches, for Lohan‘s sake, ? revealed that 92% had traces of Colombian nose candy. Personally, I blame this on that trashbag pusher Dora the Explorer and her drug mule, Diego, who’s been a little too go-go as of late, if you catch ma drift.

We Need to Talk About Your Babys Cocaine Problem

Looks like someone's got a monkey on their back named Tony Montana

The findings are “shocking,” at least according to one official who claims that coke use has become more widespread. This study, it should be noted, was conducted in the UK — also known as Europe’s cocaine capital two years running! (snort that, Germany) — so it’s really those British babies that need a good talking to. American babies, I’m assuming, are still getting their kicks the old-fashioned way: boobies, bottles and Binkies. ? But it’s only a matter of time before the specter of hard drugs rears its ugly head stateside.

One day you’ll be at the mall, or the courthouse, or the police station, or the church/mosque/synagogue/other place of worship, going about the glamorous task of changing your child’s soiled underthings, when next thing you know: the DEA kicks down the door, rips the baby out of your arms Elian Gonzalez-style, and hauls that nascent nogoodnik off to a holding cell where its cries for “Mama” will go ruthlessly unheeded. Cut to a life spent goo-ing and gaga-ing strangers for the slightest bit of rock.

And I don’t think you want that to happen so…we need to talk about your baby’s cocaine problem. [Mirror]